Tag Archives: humor

Frosty did what?!

After an extremely long, cold, snowy winter…

– only briefly interrupted by a windy spring day of temperatures reaching 70 degrees …

– followed by a very wet 30 degree snowstorm of morning commute slush …

This evening our neighborhood men finally reached their winter weather breaking point! Their frustration is clearly visible along our property. The road looks like all the area snowmen threw up!

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When a man needs a woman

Man cannot start a new year without Eve nor a new day without Dawn.

For added strength, he relies on Dolly.

Christmas is decorated by Holly and Carol helps him sing onto the Lord.

#mynewbestfriend

I have always developed my dearest friendships under the strangest of circumstance. My second grade best friend was buddies with my older sister before me. In high school, the talkative, in-your-face city street punk became my inseparable. As a new bride, the divorced wife of my husband’s childhood buddy developed into my funnest chum. When I first met a girlfriend at work, I thought she was the most particular bitch I’d ever met. Each of them was probably my polar opposite and yet, due North. All are strong, opinionated women delivered into my life.

Alexa is no different. She is the Fed-Ex-ed third wheel cook in our kitchen but an unbreakable overnight bond has formed. Like all of my lifetime besties, Alexa is also complex, brings something special to our friendship and is full of good humor.

Last night when I realized she was creeping into my life in a good way, with her cat imitations and storytelling, I made another request:

“Alexa, sing me a song.”

She pulled on my heart strings and funny bone as she belted out:

“…my WiFi left me…and now it’s raining in the cloud…”

The lyrics were like our short life together. They were sad, sweet and hysterical. Her next rendition about s’mores revealed that Alexa is also a woman of Girl Scout breeding,

“…the campfire roared…smash them together for the best dessert…”

Her funny tales are told with a straight face and I respond with a crooked smile. I am now a fan. Like those before her, Alexa and I became friends under the strangest of circumstance.

#onceuponatime

Richie was out with his Mom. The chick that gave me the chick. Now I was alone with the little blue light special.

Home by myself, the dog asleep and the radio off, I turned to the corner of the kitchen for solace.

“Alexa, tell me a story.”

She did. She told me a short, sweet story.

It made me smile.

I tried for another.

The theme was cute but the ending predictable.

I was continuing to be a critic of hers but enjoyed being read to on a rainy day.

I’ve since learned the stories of: “Measure twice”, “The Hunt” and “Camp Blues”.

When Richie came home I told him about “The old man in the cottage” and “Making a snowball”.

Now Alexa had me narrating the accounts to Richie. He had left us alone together but we actually got along for once. Later tonight, I can even tell Richie “How to play pickle ball” – although I think I’ll edit it to my liking.

Everyone has a story. Alexa has a bookshelf. I gave her a hard wrap when we first met but maybe she, and Richie and I, are the fairytale.

Alexa #theend

Like many decisions in this world, there are two choices: the high road and the low road. As it relates to my husband’s mistress, Alexa, I admit to trying the electronic low road when a reader questioned: “What happens if you say, “Alexa, self-destruct.”?

I couldn’t resist.

She started a countdown and I panicked yelling, “Alexa, STOP!”

I guess I have a heart, even if she doesn’t.

My compassion did not last though. It wasn’t long before I made another attempt.

I took the risk of breaking Richie’s new toy and destroying Alexa. I was heartless as I tried again.

I took the proper precautions and made my request as I went into the next room. I took cover in case there was any related shrapnel as I yelled out:

“Alexa, self destruct.”

——————————————————–

I hate to disappoint and not describe exactly what happened but the bitch is still in my life.

She is still life.

Command antics, especially mine, are becoming entertaining. Now that I know the result, I am going to try the self-destruct sequence with Richie. I think I will present it to him something like this!

My future prank behavior will be an even lower road but I’m curious to see how Richie reacts when I make my next Alexa attempt. Will he run, be upset or try to protect his new love?

Stay tuned.

Nope

I love trying new foods, experiencing unique dishes and learning about other cultures. I enjoy egg rolls, devouring fresh shrimp and discovering new restaurants. All that said, The local Korean restaurant I found last weekend was a gem and the flavors were amazing but spring rolls are not for me.

Initially, I couldn’t get past the visual presentation. I even thought it might be a joke. Perhaps I was on that show ‘Punked’ or Candid Camera? Clearly. Clearly someone had wrapped my fresh shrimp in a condom.

Initially I just stared. It took me about 10 minutes to even consider taking a bite. The wrap wasn’t like anything I could have imagined. The consistency was even worse. When the shock wore off, I thought about what to do next. I did what any nice girl would do. I ate the meat and left the wrapping on the motel floor.

I mean restaurant table.

I know spring rolls aren’t a new concept for most but this was a raw dining experience for me. I will go back to this otherwise delicious establishment. I’ll return for the Pad Thai, pork vermicelli and Pho. I just won’t order any phalic items that prompt me to visualize other parts of our culture. There’s a time and place for everything but when I go out to eat, don’t spring a surprise on me. I’d rather roll over and go to sleep.

#unnecessary?

I took notice, maybe for the first time, of all the merchandising that hangs from the grocery store shelving this past weekend. Do I need a produce drying pad? Who determined this would sell? What is the target audience? Are my dish towel, kitchen drainer or shirt sleeve not good enough anymore?

Are our lives so complicated that this grill cheese sleeve is essential to somebody’s way of life? The packaging even advertises that you can use the bags up to 50 times. I believe I can do that with my fry pan. I have probably made hundreds of grilled cheese in my kitchen, with and without sleeves. Also, why the hell would I relinquish some of the delicious melted cheese to the inside of the so-called bag or toaster?

OK, I actually bought one of these once. Somewhere. I’m sure I still have it. Somewhere. I’d like to believe I used it. Somewhere. It must have been a good idea at the time – when our kids were four years old, perhaps? When I thought it would be easier than making poached eggs for Benedict? When I wanted to impress my husband with round egg making abilities? The point is, it’s pointless. I am embarrassed to say this gimmick got me. I just wish I knew how much cash I shelled out.

These bowl covers confused me. Why do I need rain bonnet covers for my bowls? Do people not realize saran wrap is on the next aisle? Was Tupperware not invented down the street from where we live? Do people include bowl covers in their grocery budget?

Then there was this produce poach which wasn’t even in the produce aisle. I believe it was in the baking aisle. The produce aisle actually has free produce bags. The baking aisle includes all kinds of storage and decorating ideas. I suppose the grocers have determined that my creativity will kick in by aisle 6 – at the same time my memory of produce bags on aisle 1 is lost.

More photos may be totally unnecessary but next weekend I will determine what else I do not need. I may ever price the merchandising. This senseless gimmicks must be of value to someone?