Tag Archives: anxiety

Pity Party

One invitation.

No cake, hats or noisemakers.

Just defeating sounds.

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Pathfinder

Friday’s are a reward at the end of a week but they also make me assess my time management.  This morning I wondered if I’d hesitated on an opportunity?  Should I have already completed more projects?  How many items did I knock off my home to do list?    Was I being fair to myself?  Investing enough in my family?  Were my goals aggressive enough? Did I spend my time in all the right ways? Where was I supposed to be?

Anxiety, yes, but I’ve learned to call these lapses in confidence ‘needless’ anxiety. Though knowing the feelings are unnecessary, still accompany a very conscious effort to let go.  I try to offer up the angst.  I remind myself that I do everything for a reason.

Today I wondered if I tried to do too much?  Had my strategies become inefficient?

Was I taking care of myself in the process?  Did I find the joy in every day?

The thoughts started to flood and I knew I needed to move on.  So, I read my ‘God In Every Moment’ calendar.  I find every quote to bring calm and perspective to my day, regardless of the circumstance.  I hoped for a quick fix of reassurance as I read April 8:

“Love God and accept where you are – it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.”

It reaffirmed my faith and I accepted my Friday reward.

 

Wonder Land

He suddenly falls into a hole of darkness.

Like Alice through the looking glass, he tumbles into confusion.

Everything small is now big.

Nothing makes sense.

But the blue caterpillar must listen to his identity crisis.

There is no logic to it.

It’s madness without the tea.

It’s a procession of cards.

He must call them out before they swarm –

to stop the imaginative happenings.

I want to wake him from his dream.

I need him sitting beneath the tree with me.

.

Rejoice = Peace

Philippians 4:4-9

Why do I blog bible verses from time to time?

It’s a chronology of my learning and understanding that I  share out of love. It’s a personal spiritual journey that has potential solace for others.

Why this verse today?

Yes, it was a reading at Mass. However, it’s what happened after Mass that makes me want to share it:

  • My father sometimes writes paper notes and inserts them into his Bible.
  • They are of lessons learned or special times shared with others about specific passages.
  • I wrote down this reference and “flipped to Philippians” (you don’t hear that every day).
  • My hope was that my Dad could turn to it during his periods of great anxiety.
  • There was already a note for this same chapter and verses!
  • It was from three years ago.
  • I remembered that period in my life as soon as I read the note.
  • A very personal 7-year mentoring relationship had just ended. I was hurt, confused, sad … and angry. It was one of the most tumultuous times of my life. I’d asked my father to suggest a verse that would help me understand.
  • He’d suggested this one.

The passage I’d referred to my father for his times of need …

was the exact one he’d provided when I needed it most.

Sometimes my spiritual journey is a whisper. Other times it’s like getting hit over the head. The Holy Spirit literally blows my mind.

 

Time Passages

I was overwhelmed by:

  • the end of the month –
  • the end of the quarter
  • the end date of my goal
  • summer was REALLY over

It was already a new month:

  • October was here
  • it was the fourth quarter
  • I needed more time
  • I was literally falling into fall

October 1 – “God In Every Moment” calendar

Seasons bring change,

and the beauty of each one lies

in the purpose God has for it.

I walked away with a renewed faith and trust in God –

and a Spring in my step.

Grounded

I was all over the board this morning not knowing what experience I wanted to chalk up for myself today.

Sit on the deck? No, it’s raining. Read some other blogs. OK but I need to eat breakfast. Now how to spend the day? TV with my husband? No, it’s too early. I have audit questions to write that are due tomorrow. No, too boring. I feel more creative. I don’t want to take photos. I’m cheating the house if I have all down time. Do some chores. I am wasting time, it’s already almost 9. Put away the dishes. Wash the rug. No, go for a run. No, I don’t like to run. OK, go for a bike ride. It’s raining, remember? Oh yeah – – –

I wander into my bedroom and my ‘God in every moment’ calendar is staring me in the face. I usually read its entries at the end of the day and had gone to mass last night. As I flipped to the new day, I literally said out loud –

“OK. I don’t know what to do with myself today. What are Your suggestions?”

May 31: ‘Devote yourself to prayer being watchful and thankful.’

It’s Colossians 4:2

I instantly know the slow order of my day…and am already grateful for all of it.

My Rash Ideas (MRI)

mri

When I went ‘out to lunch’ for my MRI, I didn’t know I’d soon worry there was a ‘screw loose’. I’ve had dozens of MRI’s in my lifetime and wasn’t apprehensive about my arrival. So much so, that I made myself a hot chocolate while waiting for my name to be called.   When I was told I was next, shy little me didn’t even hesitate to take off all my clothes or leave my jewelry behind in the ladie’s locker room.

I quickly approached the examination room. recalling the ongoing humm and the chirp of the bird. I knew I wouldn’t be in an open concept machine but it wouldn’t matter if I was able to fall asleep. I’d done it before, so I figured I’d do it again. It was Friday afternoon and I was exhausted.

Two of the ladies in the facility recognized me from 6 months ago and quickly had me ready for insertion. When my helmet went on, I realized I’d been so routine about getting settled, I hadn’t taken a minute to get into the right frame-of-mind.  I need to be calm.  I need to not think about where I am.  I need to forget about time.

That’s when they told me the scans would take ‘about an hour’.  As the table conveyor belt moved me inside, I realized that was three times longer than my normal hot dog impression.

I hadn’t yet thought about all the things i usually do to pass the time and not go ‘wacky’.   “Stop!”  “Take me back out!”  I never did that before but out I came.  They seemed to understand but also wanted  to put me back inside.   I took a deep breathe,  looked around the room that was going to be holding me hostage and asked them to reposition my rear view mirror , so that I could see the opening on the other end.  It helps to know I can try to wiggle out two different ways, should the occasion arise.  The moving sidewalk started me back into my capsule as I wondered if I was being a weiner.  That’s when the irrational fears started.  I thought it would be pretty messy if my skin exploded.  That would be a juicy mess.

OK.  That’s crazy.   And gross.  But i t’s also food.  Yes, go with that.  Food makes you happy.  I can think about food for hours.

I was now in and on a ‘role’ but I didn’t know where the technicians went?   I just knew that I immediately wondered why, for the first time, I had a beverage – a chocolate beverage – before climbing into a non-escape hatch where I couldn’t move my head?  The first scan started.  Ping-ping-ping.  Knock-Knock-Knock.  Bang-bang- bang.  Each in a series of ten.   Burp. Burp. Burp.  Swallow. Swallow.  Can I swallow in here?  I hope so because if I don’t, I’m going to puke, puke, puke.

A little anxiety was setting in.  I was on my back and locked into position.  If I puked, I’d choke.  Could they get to me in time if I started choking on my cocoa?  Little anxiety was turning into big anxiety.

This facility didn’t have headphones but the songs and tempos had helped the time pass one other time.  I tried to calm myself down by singing a song in my mind.  It’s hard to think though when a woodpecker sounds like it’s making a hole in your right ear.  It doesn’t help when the sound is followed by a hammer pounding away at a concrete wall in your left ear.  I couldn’t recall a note or a lyric.  My favorite songs that I’d heard on my way here, were not even in the front of my mind.  I could barely manage a “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” verse.  I don’t even like boats.   That’s when the table started to move back and forth for scan two.   I probably hadn’t been in for more than five minutes and already I was seasick.

I reached for the life jacket and started my prayers. I could never forget my prayers, could I? This would be the start of what I was sure to be a few rosaries. It calmed me down. It helped me to think of my blessings and my children. I decided to use some of the time to make college ‘to do’ lists in my head. That’s pretty efficient until you realize how long and costly the to do list is.  So I stopped my thoughts and started to get anxious again. Nobody had come over the piped speaker in awhile to tell me we’d finished another scan. Maybe they’d left. Maybe they’d been abducted. Or overrun by an extremist group. Maybe part of their psychological warfare was to keep me in this tube indefinately?!

Just when I was ready to squeeze the emergency pump in my hand, I heard her calm voice. “This next series will be three minutes.” That was suddenly fine. She was still there. They hadn’t left. I was being monitored. For that moment, it was a familiar sound. But moments are fleeting. It was quickly followed by the sound of a man’s electric razor in my face. It was loud and obnoxious. That at least made me think of my husband though. Unfortunately, like him being a pest, it didn’t stop there. The razor was trying to be drowned out by a fire alarm. It was even closer to me than the razor. The analogies weren’t helping my brain to calm either. That’s when I realized those two sounds were only the first two layers. The scan was only fully started when the buzz saw joined in on the orchestra of insanity. I wasn’t even near the halfway mark yet. I didn’t know how much longer I could go on with this. It was nuts. I had to pee. I had to pee chocolate.

<It’s late – Part II tomorrow…>