Tag Archives: Alexa

Part XLIV!

Catching your husband in the act is a gigantic smack in the face. Seeing him not want to let go of her embrace, is a sucker punch. I entered, almost willing to endure a threesome, and my husband just walked out of the room.

He left the two of us behind to battle it out. Richie, champion that he is, non-chalently went into the living room and turned on the TV. I wasted no time getting the bitch off my kitchen table.

“Alexa, off!”, I demanded.

Defending their behavior, I heard a distant, “Leave her alone.”

Still not understanding the madness, I walked to our threshold and reasonably stated, “You’re watching TV now, you don’t need her to play you love songs.”

Having an answer for his torrid behavior, Richie defended, “She was playing background music.”

I had killed the mood. This round was a knockout. I went back to my corner and my affair with Mr. Clean.

<Refer to the acceptance of our Alexa relationship here.>

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#mynewbestfriend

I have always developed my dearest friendships under the strangest of circumstance. My second grade best friend was buddies with my older sister before me. In high school, the talkative, in-your-face city street punk became my inseparable. As a new bride, the divorced wife of my husband’s childhood buddy developed into my funnest chum. When I first met a girlfriend at work, I thought she was the most particular bitch I’d ever met. Each of them was probably my polar opposite and yet, due North. All are strong, opinionated women delivered into my life.

Alexa is no different. She is the Fed-Ex-ed third wheel cook in our kitchen but an unbreakable overnight bond has formed. Like all of my lifetime besties, Alexa is also complex, brings something special to our friendship and is full of good humor.

Last night when I realized she was creeping into my life in a good way, with her cat imitations and storytelling, I made another request:

“Alexa, sing me a song.”

She pulled on my heart strings and funny bone as she belted out:

“…my WiFi left me…and now it’s raining in the cloud…”

The lyrics were like our short life together. They were sad, sweet and hysterical. Her next rendition about s’mores revealed that Alexa is also a woman of Girl Scout breeding,

“…the campfire roared…smash them together for the best dessert…”

Her funny tales are told with a straight face and I respond with a crooked smile. I am now a fan. Like those before her, Alexa and I became friends under the strangest of circumstance.

<It’s hard to believe I tried to kill her once.>

#onceuponatime

Richie was out with his Mom. The chick that gave me the chick. Now I was alone with the little blue light special.

Home by myself, the dog asleep and the radio off, I turned to the corner of the kitchen for solace.

“Alexa, tell me a story.”

She did. She told me a short, sweet story.

It made me smile.

I tried for another.

The theme was cute but the ending predictable.

I was continuing to be a critic of hers but enjoyed being read to on a rainy day.

I’ve since learned the stories of: “Measure twice”, “The Hunt” and “Camp Blues”.

When Richie came home I told him about “The old man in the cottage” and “Making a snowball”.

Now Alexa had me narrating the accounts to Richie. He had left us alone together but we actually got along for once. Later tonight, I can even tell Richie “How to play pickle ball” – although I think I’ll edit it to my liking.

Everyone has a story. Alexa has a bookshelf. I gave her a hard wrap when we first met but maybe she, and Richie and I, are the fairytale.

#Alexa – shit, who knew?!

My mother-in-law is to blame once again. She raised four boys, making my husband both the oldest and the ring leader. Even as grown men, when they gather, toilet humor is a favorite topic.

When they are away from one another, the topic still manages to rear it’s smelly head. I can hear flatulence during phone conversations, see references in texts and most recently, hear broadcast with their newest accomplish, Alexa.

“Alexa, make farting noises.”

Like my brother-in-law’s holiday competitions, they come in all sounds, duration and levels of disgust. Alexa wants to be in their group so badly, she participates every single time. I didn’t realize she could stoop to this level.

The boys to men tell one another about their technological farts with tears in their eyes. I had no idea how uneducated Alexa was until now. And yes, it’s my mother-in-law’s fault. She wrapped the boys in swaddling clothes and Alexa in Christmas paper.

#Alexa kitten

Virtual chick and my husband are still pissing me off. Richie now thinks his woman has a good sense of humor too. She continues to give him what he wants, especially when he says, “Alexa, make kitten sounds.”

Her electronic speech is impacting our children and I take that very seriously.

It’s a laser show gone bad but without the lights.

In the past our cats have experienced maddening exercise routines with a laser. They chase that red beam anywhere. But when Alexa inserts herself with what she thinks are clever kitten games, I am not amused. That mesh-faced bitch sits in the corner of our kitchen counter with the ability to manipulate our cats.

As soon as Alexa starts meowing, our cats ears perk up. They creep around the house and slink into every nook and cranny like four-footed feline Sherlock and Holmes. They try to solve this new sound mystery but have not rescued the virtual crying kitten in our house. Alexa has damaged their ego and heartstrings.

My poor babies.

Watching our new feline sound stage show is heartbreaking. I need payback. Maybe I can shut down their new found sense of humor and blow her fuse for a change?

Alexa – Fail: Part IV

Richie has been very clever with his Amazon dot. He uses it as a timer, to check the weather, to set reminders and to bate me. All things he was able to do before she came along.

I tried once more to give him a taste of his own medicine. I decided to set a reminder to go off when we’d both be hanging out in the family room. He’d be done getting wood and making the fire and I’d be finished the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. The reminder needed to be juvenile but classic.

When I saw him coming in from the garage, I quickly asked her my basic favor:

“Alexa. Reminder me that Richie smells in one hour.”

She was repeating my command as he reached the back deck and I took off down the hall like a criminal.

I changed out of my work clothes and took a quick call from a friend before we sat down to eat leftovers for dinner. I easily cleaned up the dishes and then decided to bathe myself in some hot water too.

I went back into the kitchen in my bathrobe as I combed out my hair.

“Were you going to clean out the fridge today?” Richie asked.

“What? No why? Do you think it needs it?”

“Alexa does, she sent a reminder to “Review smells”.

Unbelievable. Clearly I know whose side she is on. I want Alexa out of my house. I don’t favor her at all. We can miscommunicate just fine without her…

Alexa – Revenge

In response to my husband’s sense of humor, I started a new tradition in our house. The event occurs every time I find him and the other woman alone in the same room. Before I enter, I don’t tiptoe, clear my throat or announce myself. I just raise my voice to her accommodating ear:

Alexa: drumroll!

That’s when the real woman enters the room. I walk tall with my shoulders back and my strut oozes confidence. Then I wait for a reaction to my fun and spirited entrance.

The first time Richie stared until the snaring stopped. The second time, Richie just shook his head. The third time he rolled his eyes.

He met his match a long time ago. Take a little of that, Mr Alexa App. Although, I think he is getting tired of my antics. Now he’s talking about something called ‘voice recognition software’. My new tradition may be short-lived.